The title of my book, Chasing Shade, is basically an homage to how it’s felt to live with Developmental Trauma. My life has always seemed and felt as though I were standing in the burning hot sun of being tested. A former friend would use the analogy of dominoes – when one went down, expect a continuous tumble to follow.
I always felt as though I were chasing shade, some kind of relief from the ever present gaze of that blazing heat. In the next few chapters, I’m going to talk about other aspects of Developmental Trauma and the connections that I believe exist to excessive drug and alcohol use and the work of Dr. Gabor Maté; institutional systems and the populations they are missing; the work of SiMA which is what I’m talking about when I discuss the use of the four sacred postures and artistic expression as a form of self-care for body, mind and spirit; and in closing, I’ll try to share some resources and maybe even some references.
A little transparency here: As I write this, I’m sitting. Sitting in the hallway as it were, right in the middle of the floor blocking foot traffic as I try to just accept this transition. It’s been extremely difficult. Both of my children are feeling the pain of my Developmental Trauma, and even perhaps their own. I am terribly sad for them both and about our current dilemma. I know that my son is sad, disappointed and hurt. My daughter may also feel the same way, but she isn’t speaking to me right now, and we haven’t talked since May. And all my disorganized attachment is showing up; do I call, text, write her letters, do I apologize or berate her for x, y, and z, or do I ignore her. The struggle is real, and apparently might not ever end. I’m working with all of them and it is not an easy task. I do feel that ignoring her, just as I had been ignored by my own family, would only make things worse, and so I’ve not chosen that approach.
The bottom line for me is that I’m still living with Developmental Trauma Disorder. I haven’t looked to see what the statistics of efficacy are for using Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) with individuals who have DTD. Perhaps I will research that and include those details in the following chapters. Perhaps I will find a therapist who uses these methods and push myself a little further, just to see if they work – another stepping stone on the path toward… well, something. Remember, it’s the journey, not the destination.
Photo: Author. Location: Tarzana, CA.
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the ethereal soul and our somatic wisdom 